Who is the stepfather, the relationship with him in the family of the stepdaughter and stepson, the psychology of such relationships, what to do if they are bad. Communication with a stepfather is a relationship in a family where the children of a woman with whom a man lives are not blood relatives, that is, he can only be called a father conditionally. Often, the microclimate in such families is tense, which leads to scandals and creates an unhealthy family environment.
Who is the stepfather?
From a legal point of view, a stepfather is a man who has married a woman (although in everyday life it often happens that two cohabit without formalizing the family union), who has children from a previous marriage. They are not native to him. The boy is called the stepson, and the girl is called the stepdaughter.
Officially, the stepfather does not have any rights over his wife's children. She doesn't even dare to scold, say, for absenteeism at school, because she can always come across a hostile response from a child, they say, who are you to reprimand me?
In order for the stepfather to have the rights to the stepson, he must be adopted. But this is far from always real, for example, a child does not at all perceive someone else's man in the house. And most importantly, will the father want to abandon his offspring, especially if they have a good relationship and he is not deprived of parental rights. In this case, it is generally impossible to talk about adoption.
It's important to know! The relationship with the stepfather is not legally enshrined in the Russian family code. He has no rights whatsoever in relation to his stepson or stepdaughter. However, there are moral obligations of the latter to the stepfather. They must support him in case of disability, even if they were not adopted or became adopted children.
The psychological climate in a family with a stepfather
Once upon a time there was an average family, peace and tranquility reigned in it. But at one bad moment, the relationship of the spouses deteriorated. Love suddenly disappeared, constant screams and swearing began in the family. After unsuccessful attempts to reconcile, the husband and wife separated. The young woman was left alone with a child (two) in her arms.
Alimony from her ex-hubby is very scanty, not enough for a child. Money is scarce, but problems are up to the throat. She is at work all the time, there is no time to follow her son. And he should be dressed, fed and sent to school. God forbid that it looked worse than others there! It's hard to lift a kid alone.
And then a good person pays attention, makes gifts, offers his help. Has nothing against her child, treats him well. So why not live with him? There may not be much love, but most importantly, it will help to put the son on his feet. So a man, a stranger to the boy, appears in the house.
He was very upset by the discord between his mother and his father; he met the appearance of another "dad" with hostility. How the relationship between the stepfather and the child develops depends on the elders. Will the mother be able to convince her son that she has met a good person who will be a strong support for the family? Will the stepfather be able to attract the boy to his side, convince him that he is not indifferent to him, he is sincerely interested in his fate?
If a stepfather constantly teaches his stepson in a mentoring tone, he is unlikely to win his trust. Rather, he will turn the little man against himself. All such "educational" process, all his moralizing will be in vain. And this means tension in the family, discord in relations.
Often in such cases, the mother is confused. She doesn't know what to do. He will protect his son, which means that you need to part with your chosen one. And this is not easy, again divorce and again loneliness, sad everyday life without a man in the family.When a woman takes the side of her husband (roommate), a nervous situation arises in the house.
Children acutely feel false in relationships with adults, become distrustful, irascible and resentful. If there is an unhealthy atmosphere in the family, for example, adults often kiss the bottle, the child completely “runs wild” and may leave home.
It's important to know! When the stepfather treats his stepson in a human way, with sympathy, and not indifferently, only then the child will reach out to him, the small and big man will find a common language.
The role of the child's mother when there is a stepfather in the family
When divorced women decide to start a family again, they definitely need to think about their children. And what will happen to them, how will they feel if a man appears in the house claiming to be a “daddy”?
It all depends on the personality of such a mother, how convincingly she will be able to explain to her child that the family needs a new “dad”, she loves this person, he too, and hopes that the son (daughter) will not have hostile relations with his stepfather.
The main thing is that the woman should be responsible for her choice. After all, not only her life depends on him. Here you need to act according to the well-known Russian proverb "measure seven times, cut once." A new man in her life is very responsible. He has his own tastes, habits, it is likely that he, having crossed the threshold of the house, will begin to "instill" his morals in children.
The financial stability of the family is wonderful! But from a moral point of view, what will the relationship of a stepfather with a stepson (stepdaughter) look like? There is something to think about and reflect on.
A woman needs to be clearly aware that the new man in the house, no matter how good for her, is a stranger to her children. And he is unlikely to become relatives. He has absolutely no rights to them. It is necessary that he understands this, and does not try to download the rights.
Adult love should not darken the lives of little family members! They shouldn't feel any discomfort. It will be good if a piece of this great love gets to them, and they feel it. Then the harmonious relationship between the stepfather and the children will certainly improve. And the role of the mother is great here.
You do not need to demand more from your chosen one than he can give the kids. It is enough that he treats them well. If he does not want them to call him father, then there is no need to insist on this. Children will sort out their feelings on their own.
If they are already old enough, the mother must explain to them that they will soon start a family on their own, so it is not worth judging strictly that she brought a man, a stranger to them, into the house.
It's important to know! If the conversation between the mother and the children does not find a response in the hearts of the children, they look at their stepfather with hostility and stubbornly refuse to communicate with him, it is worth contacting a psychologist. He will help improve family relationships.
The relationship of children with a stepfather
The relationship of children with their stepfather depends on several factors. First of all, from the behavior of the mother. Will she be able to explain to her child the separation from their father and the appearance of another man in the house. Here the age of the child matters, his ability to critically perceive changes in his life. And of course, a lot depends on the personality of the stepfather, his attitude towards step-children. Let's consider the relationship of a stepfather with a stepson and stepdaughter in more detail.
Stepfather's relationship with stepson
The relationship between a stepfather and stepson can be difficult. This is an example. The child is still small, he wants a dad, he wants to call a new man in the house a father. But he resists, restrainedly explains that it is impossible to call him that, because the boy has a father.
How is it that other boys have a dad, but he does not? The kid wants warmth, seeks to feel a strong male handshake, but sees an indifferent attitude towards himself. He becomes isolated, does not perceive his stepfather. And here you need to apply a lot of tact so that the child thaws his soul, adequately perceives the new family situation. He did not look askance at his freshly baked "dad".
The kid is completely incomprehensible to the relationship of adults, he remembers his own father and is jealous of his mother for his uncle. And it’s good if the mother has enough tact to explain to her son why it so happened that she brought a new man into the house. But it may not be enough, and she will break into screaming and slapping on the head. Hoping in this way to rein in his son, so that he "falls in love" with his stepfather.
It is unlikely that such an inadequate method of education will be effective. He will only force the child to turn away, close dully, go into the world of his childhood experiences, where adults have no access.
The child's trust needs to be won! If the stepfather tries to redraw everything in his own way, to establish his own order in the family, the child will meet it with hostility. In this case, there is no need to talk about warm, trusting relationships.
When a man loves a woman who has a child, he needs to think that he will have to adapt to the microclimate in a new family, and not cut everything off the shoulder. Love should not be selfish, if you really love your wife (concubine), try to love her son.
No need to fawn and lisp at him. The kid should feel that an adult is sincerely friends with him, and will reach for a strong man's hand. He is unlikely to forget his own father, perhaps sometimes he will meet with him. But he will have good relations with his stepfather, which will be the key to harmonious, happy relationships in the family. And it's worth a lot.
It's important to know! If the stepson does not perceive his stepfather, it is necessary to consult with a psychologist, he will advise what needs to be adopted in this case. The specialist will help the woman not to lose the relationship with her son, and the stepfather to establish a trusting relationship with him.
Stepfather's relationship with stepdaughter
The relationship between a stepfather and a stepdaughter has its own nuances. Finding a common language with a girl who considers her uncle a stranger in the family is not easy. In such a difficult situation, the age of the child is of great importance. It's one thing when a little girl goes to kindergarten or elementary school. It is easier to find an approach to such a child.
If the mother clearly explained why her father left the family, the girl will not throw a tantrum, she will calmly accept her stepfather. It all depends on the new "dad". When he gives the baby more attention and affection, she will reach out to him and really begin to consider him a family member.
Another question is when the girl is all yearning for her father. Then the appearance of an unfamiliar man in the house is perceived negatively. She will be jealous of him in his mother, compare with her dad, find fault with all the little things in his appearance and behavior. Thus, defending their children's independence, their right to their own feelings - to love the one whom they consider to be a native person.
If all of the stepfather's attempts to improve relations with his stepdaughter are unsuccessful, and the mother also cannot set her daughter up for a healthy "wave" of relationships, it is necessary to consult a psychologist. He will talk with the girl and advise on what to do in this case.
Perhaps the child is simply notorious: squeezed internally, afraid of new contacts, it is hard for rapprochement. In this case, he needs to be helped to remove the internal clamps that interfere with communication. All this is within the power of adults, if they themselves cannot, then you should seek the help of a psychotherapist.
And it's a completely different matter when the child is already quite an adult. During puberty (puberty), not all girls adequately perceive the situation if the mother brings another man into the house. It feels painful.
It seems to a daughter with the maximalism inherent in adolescence that it is too late for mothers to start new novels. It just doesn't fit in her head. A tense situation arises in the family.
The daughter does not perceive her stepfather, she may not talk to him, or it is emphatically polite to call him “you”. Attempts on his part to change the situation, for example, he doesn’t skimp on giving gifts, doesn’t change anything. Relationships remain cold.
A single woman with a rather grown-up daughter should think ten times before bringing a man into the house. A rather ambiguous situation arises here. The new hubby can look at the girl as a woman. The girl feels the lustful glances of her stepfather, but the trouble is that she may not tell her mother about it.
In retaliation, she will make dubious acquaintances and, in a new company, under wine or other couples, will share her domestic problems. And at home he will look at his stepfather like a wolf and constantly quarrel with his mother. Sometimes these teenagers feel lonely, abandoned and leave home.
This often happens in dysfunctional families. The case can even reach the point of criminality, when the stepfather tries to rape or rapes the stepdaughter. From time to time, articles appear in the media describing such wild cases.
It's important to know! They say that "love is evil, you will love the goat." A single woman with a grown daughter should think carefully before bringing a man into the house. So that he does not turn out to be the same goat, from which you can not save grief in the family later.
How to establish communication between children and their stepfather?
How to establish a relationship with a stepfather so that children feel comfortable and calm? It is not necessary to see a psychologist. It seems that the man has enough common sense not to bring the relationship with them to a dead end.
A few everyday tips to help a stepfather in a new family:
- The mother should explain to the children that she loves this person and hopes that they will appreciate him too. You don't need to adore him at all, but it is necessary to treat him with respect. This is the key to a calm atmosphere in the family. In addition, materially life will become better. She herself will not be able to put them on their feet.
- A stepfather should not immediately try to break the alienation. It is quite natural that the child will not immediately perceive the new person and will look closely at him for some time. A man must withstand this kind of probationary period with honor, so that the stepson appreciates and believes that he is the person who is needed not only by his mother, he will also be good with him.
- The distance between the stepfather and the stepson (stepdaughter) will always remain. No need to get too annoyingly into their souls. They will always remember their own father, even if he was not always the perfect dad.
- The best way to improve relationships with children is to treat their mothers well. If they understand that their stepfather really loves her, many of the rough edges that appeared at the beginning of communication will disappear by themselves.
- Kindness and interest (but not importunity!) In the fate of children will help break the ice of mistrust. Joint walks, visits to various events, holidays held together are a good reason for establishing warm, trusting relationships.
- If the stepson or stepdaughter is ruffling, for example, jealous of the mother or doing something wrong, you should not harshly "run into" them. No one likes morals, it is better to try to call them into a frank conversation in order to clarify the situation that worries them so much, and non-intrusively suggest a reasonable solution. Let's say to say: "Maybe you did the right thing, but you could have done it differently."
- In all cases, even not very pleasant ones, the stepfather must remain calm. This will help him not to lose control over himself and the state of affairs in the family. A sensibly "ruined" situation will only strengthen his authority among children.
- When a child turned to his stepfather with any question, one should not dismiss him, they say, he is busy, let's talk later. It is necessary, putting aside your business, to listen carefully to your stepson (stepdaughter), be sure to say that it is pleasant to communicate, and try to help. Such contact only builds trust.
- A stepfather should never insist that a child call him "daddy." Here it is up to the child to decide. And there is no need to be offended if he says "you". Distance does exist, one must always remember that he has a father.
- You shouldn't show ostentatious love. For example, to show exaggerated attention, to present with gifts so that the stepson (stepdaughter) does not have the opinion that the stepfather is currying favor with them. This could be playing a bad joke. Children will begin to manipulate such an attitude towards themselves for selfish purposes, become capricious and selfish.
It's important to know! The golden rule of communication says that "you need to deal with people the way you want to be treated with you." Children, even step-children, are no exception. If the stepfather acts with the stepson or stepdaughter as this principle commands, in the future he will be rewarded a hundredfold. The good is never forgotten. How to build relationships with your stepfather - watch the video:
The appearance of a stepfather in a family is stressful for children. In order for them to accept the new man for their "dad", he should show restraint, be attentive, not to go into the soul of his stepson and stepdaughter. And in no case should you try to re-educate your new "kids". This will only cause confrontation. They will cease to perceive such a "daddy". And this is a bad microclimate in the family, which will certainly affect the relationship with the woman he loves, the mother of the children. After all, it is not for nothing that it is sung: "The most important thing is the weather in the house, and everything else is fuss …".