Divorce and its psychology. Man's behavior after breaking up with his wife. What should be done to survive such a difficult situation and get out of it with the least loss of health?
Divorce is an extraordinary situation that requires a lot of mental and mental energy for adequate resolution, then loneliness will not become a depressing state for the psyche, but will be resolved by a revision of previous life attitudes and the belief that future life will necessarily be prosperous.
What is divorce?
Divorce is the separation of a man and a woman after a certain period of life together. A husband and wife lived for themselves, and suddenly at one "fine" moment they noticed that they were completely strangers. Having become to live together, we made a big mistake, therefore, before it's too late, it's time to scatter.
He and She find many reasons for such a responsible step, each gives his own reasons, often not listening to the reasonable arguments of the other. Everyone considers himself to be right, it comes to serious conflicts, when, more recently, lovers become enemies and are ready to literally scratch out each other's eyes.
Sometimes it comes to curiosities when dividing the property acquired together, when even the pillow is torn in half, they say, this is your half, and this is mine. Although they often get divorced quietly and peacefully, without raising too much noise, so as not to injure children, not to look ugly in the eyes of friends and acquaintances. Even when they disperse, they often remain good friends.
It is not without reason that it is said that the true character of the spouses is known in divorce. So what pushes a man and a woman to take such a decisive step? Why did it happen, what psychological background that led to the breakup is hidden behind the relationship of the spouses?
Albert Einstein is credited with saying: “A man marries in the hope that a woman will never change. The woman gets married in the hope that the man will change. Both are invariably disappointed."
Divorce is a big tragedy in life, although for some it is almost a holiday. Someone said that "all that a woman looks for in marriage is a roof over her head and a man under the heel." And he doesn't want to run errands. For this, leaving his wife is the best way out of a precocious family life, saving his own self from the tyrannical character of his wife.
Much has been written about how men behave after a divorce, but most of the stronger sex is going through a rupture of relations hard. It is not true that it is easier for them than for women. Others continue to love ardently, but it did not work out! A strong personality closes in on himself, only a long-time good friend can believe his mental anguish.
Weak natures go into a booze, justifying themselves over a glass, that they did everything for her, but she did not appreciate it, went to another. They can run after their ex in hopes of getting her back. And they won't understand that they look pathetic, this behavior only repels, promises a lot of problems.
Many men are afraid of the abrupt transition from family life to loneliness. They are simply not ready for such a step, and therefore they are trying to avoid it, looking for ways to reconciliation. And when they do not find them, they explode with anger, worsening their already precarious marital status.
It's important to know! Loneliness is not the best state of mind. But there is also a positive side. A person lives with hope, and therefore there is always a chance to find your happiness in the unknown ahead of you.
Why is a man getting divorced?
She decided to break up with him, it became unbearable to live together under the same roof.Even after the divorce, the man does not want to admit to himself that he gave a reason for this. And not just one, there can be many of them, in fact, not only from his side, from her too. Underneath all are deep inner reasons, although on the surface there are understandable ones. Let's try to figure out what led to the divorce, if the man is to blame.
Reasons for divorce:
- I got stuck in everyday life… The romance of a relationship, when with a sweetheart and in a hut in paradise, is long gone. Weekdays have come. Lying in each other's arms has become habitual, it no longer worries. Better sleep well, because tomorrow is work. Children take a lot of attention. The wife walks around the house in a disheveled dressing gown, and has begun to take less care of herself. All this became boring, I wanted to get away from such gray everyday life in order to start a new life.
- Another woman appeared… It seems that he loves his wife, he is not going to radically change his way of life. But I wanted some kind of zest in the relationship, but my spouse cannot give it. He got a mistress. But no matter how long the rope twists, the end will surely come. Some of the well-wishers told his wife about this. She cannot forgive, it came to divorce.
- Too much work… He comes home tired, always grumbles that he does everything for the house, but sees no gratitude. Suppose dinner is not prepared on time, and the wife replies to the remark that she was busy with the children. "Wait a little, and I'll cook, or better yet, do it yourself." Or he does not pay due attention to his wife, she treats him with affection, and he is irritated that he is tired, there is no time to breed veal tenderness. She has resentment, the relationship grows cold, one "wonderful" day they suddenly notice that they have become strangers.
- Fear of children… There was love until children appeared. With them came the understanding that living together is not only passionate love, but also responsibilities to the family. And I don't want to carry them. Disappointment sets in. The man turned out to be an egoist, there is no desire to deal with the kids. Relations with his wife deteriorate up to divorce.
- Fell out of love… They live together for a long time, but over time I realized that they are completely different people. Everyone has their own interests, you have to spend a lot of time with other people. For example, he likes to "run away" from home on a fishing or hunting trip. There is not enough time for intimate communication with his wife. This leads to a cooling of relations and divorce.
It's important to know! For a man, divorce is more often than not a withdrawal from solving the urgent problems that life poses to the family.
Features of a man's behavior after a divorce
American psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying" described the feelings of a person who went through a great life shock (divorce is one of such psychological traumas). Breaking down all the experiences into 5 stages, she emphasized that they do not necessarily alternate one after another. They can exist simultaneously or even return, for example, from the second stage to the first. The stages in the behavior of a person who has experienced severe stress is only a theoretical analysis of the "flights", thanks to which one can better know what one feels in such a state.
Consider how men go through divorce, based on the 5 stages (stages) of Kubler-Ross:
- Negation… When a spouse is confronted by his wife with the fact that she is leaving him, the news takes him by surprise. How can a man live after a divorce if he is not yet ready for this? There comes a purely emotional reaction, they say, "This cannot be, you are just kidding!" A kind of a kind of psychological protection from a state of shock, an attempt to get rid of the problem, to pretend that nothing serious has happened. The first stage is characterized by the fact that there is still no readiness to accept what happened, to adequately realize an unpleasant life situation. Hence the wide range of feelings that dictate appropriate behavior. For example, an attempt to make peace, to do something pleasant to his wife. And even after the divorce, I still can't believe what happened. "Or maybe she will come back after all?"
- Stage of anger… At this stage, the denial of the fact that the wife can leave is replaced by the understanding that this is quite real.The man falls into an angry state. He blames his half for all sins. She brought family life to such a state. “You did not do that, and it’s not that way!”, “If we do not live well, this is your fault!”. In such a state, I do not want to understand that it is he who is largely to blame. Anger replaces sound reasoning, does not promote peace in the family. A spouse under the "hot hand" can blame everyone around for what happened: relatives, friends, bosses at work, for example, did not receive a salary on time, and a polkan was sent to him at home, or the reason for everything is the poor economic situation in the country. After the divorce, the man still cannot calm down and in every possible way calls his ex-name, that he does not paint at all, but he hardly understands this.
- Trying to reconcile (bargaining)… According to Kubler-Ross, this is the third stage. When the anger subsided and the man begins to understand that he is wrong and regrets, he comes to self-flagellation, the desire to return everything to square one, attempts at reconciliation. This happens already consciously, and not intuitively, as at the stage of "denial". The spouse is trying to reconcile and delay an event that is unpleasant for his life. He promises his wife to improve, for example, to work more, not to linger with friends, to pay more attention to the children, to his half. "And for a long time we have not gone to the cinema, to a concert." From a purely psychological point of view, such behavior is viewed as bargaining, a desire to avoid changes in one's life or, at worst, to bargain for a delay, thinking that there is a way out. As you know, hope dies last. And if, nevertheless, a divorce happened, the man resigns himself to him, realizing that you cannot return the past, but you need to live on. In this case, his relationship with his ex remains quite friendly with him, but everyone lives their own new life.
- Depressive state… All attempts to reconcile were in vain. The spouse does not react to them, in a relationship there is complete alienation. And you don't want to change so much in your life, you will have to leave many habits. It is depressing. There comes a breakdown, disbelief in oneself. Everything that was previously of interest seems to be insignificant and nothing is insignificant. A feeling of complete loneliness captures the soul. I don’t want to live, “yes, this family and little wife are lost!”. The man begins to feel sorry for himself that "so unhappy, why should I have extra troubles in my life?" After a divorce, he can go into a binge, which further exacerbates depression. At work, there are continuous discrepancies up to absenteeism. You have to dodge to justify yourself. The person understands that this is disgusting, but cannot stop. Suicidal thoughts appear, if such a poor fellow is not helped in time, he can completely sink and end his days badly.
- Full awareness of what happened (acceptance of the situation)… The man realizes that he is hopelessly lost in the "battle" with his wife. You cannot turn back the past, if you cannot change the situation, you need to change your attitude towards it. And psychologically prepares for divorce. Relations with his wife become even, without screaming and noise, the concept comes that there is no need to injure children. Probing the prospects for future life begins. Of course, after so many years together it will be difficult to be alone, but this is not the end of the world. There is always a way out at the end of the tunnel. And the experience of their feelings begins: but what to do next in order to get out of this situation? For some, such reflection helps to discover the creativity in oneself, new qualities that were not noticed before. For example, suddenly there was an interest in art photography or drawing. It turns out well, gives pleasure to him, friends and relatives. This helps to gain self-confidence, even becoming lonely, a man will not let his fate derail. And then, who said that a successful person cannot experience happiness in marriage again?
It's important to know! The psychology of a man after a divorce is a kind of protective mechanism, thanks to which he does not "go crazy", does not get hung up on the negative, but finds the strength to overcome it in order to return to a normal lifestyle in an already changed state of soul and spirit.
How to survive a divorce from your wife?
How can a man survive a divorce? There may be several tips. It is best to deal with its negative consequences yourself. Otherwise, you should consult a psychologist. It will help relieve stress, suggest ways out of an unfavorable situation, when the nerves are at the limit and a complete breakdown, there is no interest in life.
How to survive a divorce from your wife yourself?
What should a man do after a divorce, how to survive it himself, without going to a psychologist? The advice here can be the most general, but if you have enough common sense to listen to them, they will help in such a difficult situation.
Here are some practical tips to help alleviate the pain of parting with your beloved woman and return to a normal, healthy life:
- Time heals any wounds… Soulful as well. Therefore, do not chop off the shoulder, give yourself time to cool down your emotions and you can reason sensibly. When you calm down, then the right decision will come about how to behave after a divorce. There are many people in life with whom this happened, but after all, they did not die from this, they continue to live, and even quite well.
- Don't leave old boots at the entrance! This means that if you cannot change the situation, change yourself. Do not stay in the "kirzach" of the previous ideas! Throw them out of your soul! After all, it was they who brought it to such a state. To change your life after a divorce, you need to critically look at it before him and admit that you were wrong in many ways. When an understanding of this comes, the grievances will subside, the right decision will come. Fate will not seem unhappy.
- Do not kick out a wedge with a wedge… There is no need to rush from one extreme to another. Thoughts like "threw, well, to hell with her, I'll find another!" - not the best way out of the situation. Peddle life is an attempt by a weak person to get away from solving urgent problems, to postpone them "for later." But it can turn out worse. Constant agitation and nervousness, and even warmed up by alcohol, are not the best advisers on the path of life. They will lead you into the jungle of experiences, from where it is not easy to find a way out.
- Set a worthy goal for yourself… For example, traveling abroad. This requires a lot of work. A change of place, new impressions and acquaintances will help soothe the pain of parting. The understanding will come that life is beautiful and amazing, you should not get hung up on your "sore".
- Away alcohol! Do not pour alcohol on the grudge of divorce. Where there is a guarantee that it will not tighten, no one can give it. Out of 5-6 drinkers, one becomes an alcoholic. A lonely person, when there are friends with a bottle and friendly consolations like “I respect you”, does not always manage to resist such false solidarity. You need to know about this, so that later you do not pay with your health and even greater anguish of loneliness.
- Don't think badly about women.… Even after the divorce. If you think about them that "all women are bitches", this is the path to further failures in relations with them. Unhappiness sticks only to losers, to people who do not know how to think positively. Life is not an electric current, where plus goes to minus. As you yourself understand your life, you will find the same "intelligence". For good, you need to be able to break through all the suffering and torment. Through hardship to the stars! To do this, you need to learn to be critical of yourself. Only then will one meet the most beautiful, the only one in the world, with whom it will be possible to confidently step further through life.
- It should be understood that both are to blame for the divorce.… Awareness of this truth will help to avoid further mistakes in relationships with women, will tell you how to rebuild your life in a new way.This is the key to new happy relationships and a healthy family life.
- Don't forget about relationships with children.… You should not interfere with them in your "adult" affairs, try to win over to your side. It is necessary to try so that the divorce does not injure the still unstable child's psyche. When the kids grow up, they will understand their parents and maintain a good relationship with their father. And this is no longer loneliness.
If emotions after a divorce do not allow to "cool down", all attempts to calm down end in vain, stress continues to grow, everything falls out of hand, you don't want to live, and this goes on for quite a long time, here you really need to contact a specialist. Only a psychologist or psychotherapist will help you get out of this situation.
It's important to know! You should never dwell on your problems, even if it's a divorce. You need to find the strength to rise above your resentment and look at the situation critically. This is the guarantee that this will not happen again in the future.
How to survive a divorce with the help of a psychologist?
When a man feels that divorce has hurt his psyche and he is unable to get out of such a situation, it is necessary to consult a psychologist. After getting acquainted with the patient's story, the specialist will prompt a way out of the situation.
It is good if you can do without medication. When stress is accompanied, for example, by binge, treatment by a narcologist is necessary in combination with psychotherapeutic sessions.
This could be, for example, a role-playing game in a group. Each one in turn tells his own story, in a joint discussion they consider options for solving it. A man is convinced that he should not dwell on his problem, he is not alone in this position. In communication, there is a hope that not everything in life is lost. This is the value of this approach.
Only a sincere desire to get out of a stressful state after a divorce will help get rid of it. If a man continues to feel sorry for himself "so unfortunate", there will be no sense in contacting a specialist.
How to survive a divorce for a man - watch the video:
Divorce is stressful. A lonely life looms ahead, when a man will have to take care of himself. And this is not a joyful prospect for everyone. However, one should not panic, blame the former half for all sins. It is necessary to calm down your emotions in order to get the proper understanding out of what happened. This will help you not to turn your loneliness into moral torment, it will give you hope for success in life.