What are mother-in-law and why daughters-in-law are so afraid of them. What are the reasons for the eternal conflicts between the mother of a man and his chosen one. How to find a common language with the mother-in-law and whether it should be done at all. The relationship with the mother-in-law is an integral attribute of marriage, about which "many songs have been sung." The grumpy mother-in-law has long been the talk of the town, frightening future daughters-in-law. However, reality shows that often a man's mother and his life partner really do not find a common language. This does not have the best effect on family life, ranging from minor scandals to a high-profile divorce. Therefore, it is better to translate the relationship with the mother-in-law into positive or at least neutral.
Basic psychological portraits of mother-in-law
Before choosing the tactics of behavior with the mother of your chosen one, decide what psychotype of woman you are dealing with, and what to expect. And from her, and from her son.
Mother-in-law-supermistress
With such a woman "everything is under control, everything is paid for." She perfectly combines household and professional activities. Moreover, both there and there she is the best, so her household is always full, dressed, shod and live in cleanliness and comfort, and at work everything is done efficiently and on time. At the same time, she can still successfully run a household farm. Such a mother-in-law does not recognize rest - she will always find something to do and what to do with her surroundings. She manages everything and everywhere, knows everything, knows everything, controls everything.
Such a life position of the mother-in-law will require unquestioning obedience from you, especially with regard to the household in her territory. Although she will have enough strength and time not to lose sight of you, even at a distance. The son of such a woman, in most cases, is accustomed to freshly prepared homemade food in a full range - breakfast, lunch and dinner at certain times. And also to a constantly clean apartment, washed dishes, ironed shirts, "starched" sheets and a reasonable allocation of the budget. Therefore, it will not be easy to persuade him to have snacks, unexpected expenses (especially on women's "things"), semi-finished products and other "benefits of civilization" that help modern women.
Mother-in-law butterfly
“Light” version of the mother-in-law in the literal sense of the word - such a woman looks much younger than her age and gives the impression of a completely not down to earth person. She has her own hobby, which she considers very important. More important than family and everything connected with it. It can be any kind of art, travel, self-development, search for oneself, etc. That is, such "earthly" things as cooking, cleaning, raising children are completely alien to her. Given such a worldview, the butterfly mother-in-law easily transfers them to others - to her husband, parents, relatives, educational institutions. Therefore, her son is either completely independent and does not accept the values of the mother, or is also a dreamer with a bunch of unrealized projects. In this case, it will be easy to establish relations between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law in two cases:
- If you are not annoyed by an empty refrigerator and creative clutter in the house, and your interests with your husband's mother in some way intersect;
- If you don't mind taking on all the household chores.
At the same time, keep in mind that if you got a dreamer husband, you will also have to take on financial support, as well as the role of a "muse."
Mother-in-law-businesswoman
A woman of this "cut" has a tough character and very little time for a family, therefore she compensates for the lack of attention with material values - money, expensive clothes, increased comfort, etc. That is, he tries to give his household all the best, the most modern, the most fashionable. Her home is a full bowl. But most often she entrusts its maintenance to other people - cleaners, managers, cooks. Her family travels frequently, the children go to decent educational institutions, work in promising positions (if they work at all) or become part of the family business. The result of such upbringing can be the transfer of business acumen or, conversely, absolute passivity in life. In the first case, you will get a man who will take care of all the material issues of your life, but you won't have to count on his free time. In the second case, it will be a person who will entrust you with everything - from purchases to full financial security. In terms of interference in your family life, a mother-in-law, a business woman, is the safest. She just won't have time for it. The main stumbling block here can be the question of your compliance with her son and the environment in which they live.
Mother-in-law-owner
Perhaps the most difficult case in terms of compromises. A mother who does not want to share the attention of her son with another woman has every chance of being left without grandchildren. Often the sons of such women either do not marry at all, or their relationship ends in divorce. To defeat her rival, the owner-in-law does not shun any methods. First, she tries in every possible way to prove to her son that his choice is unsuccessful. Here she can choose any field of activity of the daughter-in-law - household, appearance, raising children, moral character, etc. Secondly, she constantly keeps her son on a "short leash", most often manipulating her well-being and state of health. Often sons, at every opportunity, run away from such overprotection, so keep in mind that the choice could fall on you for this very reason. However, if there is nowhere to run and have to live with his family in his mother’s territory, he finds himself between two fires. But given that often such a child is brought up with a sense of guilt (after all, his mother sacrificed so much for him), in the end he remains on the side of his mother and loses his family. When building a relationship with this type of mother-in-law, you should not count on a quick victory. She does not accept not you specifically, but another woman in her son's life in general. The best way to keep the family calm in this case is to live separately from the mother-in-law and as far as possible.
Mother-in-law-fashionista
All the free time of such a woman belongs only to her - she has a lot of things to do to look decent. Massage, fitness, swimming pool, beauty treatments, manicure-pedicure, make-up, hairstyles, proper nutrition, stylish fashionable clothes and accessories are absolutely essential attributes for her. She tries to adhere to aristocratic demeanors and does not allow herself to be "overworked", be it the household or the sphere of work. If possible, she will shift these responsibilities to other family members or servants as much as possible. Entering a family with such a mother-in-law, you should not count on full acceptance. Firstly, you are definitely younger, which means that you are competing with her. Secondly, you are removing her from the pedestal of the best woman in her son's life. But your economy will definitely not get into the TOP of claims, and common interests in terms of maintaining beauty can even bring them closer.
Important! Whatever your spouse's mother is, she remains his mother, whom he loves (even if deeply in his soul). Therefore, finding a common language with her is necessary in order to strengthen the foundation of your family and set a positive example for your children.
Reasons for bad relationships and conflicts with mother-in-law
In addition to the nuances mentioned above, many factors, both on the part of the mother-in-law and on the part of the daughter-in-law, can hinder the normal communication of the mother-in-law with the daughter-in-law.
Reasons for not accepting the daughter-in-law by the mother-in-law:
- Excessive love for his son, because of which the mother raises him on a pedestal and endows him with all possible virtues. Therefore, every woman who enters his life goes through a harsh filter of correspondence to her ideal, beautiful son in the eyes of the mother.
- Jealousy for another woman, who has now become dearer and closer to her son, generates resentment and resistance to the situation in the mother-in-law's soul. She is trying to resume her status as the main woman in her son's life, including through simple rejection of her daughter-in-law.
- Hormonal changes in the body (menopause) are often not limited only to physiological changes - they leave their mark on the emotional sphere of a woman. During this period, her character may change, there are sudden mood swings, increased irritability, irascibility, resentment. It can also interfere with the relationship with the mother-in-law. And not only the daughter-in-law.
- The characteristics of a mother-in-law's character, such as imperiousness, toughness, adherence to principles, can serve as a serious obstacle on the way to reaching a compromise with the woman chosen by her son. Especially if this choice has not been "approved". The scrupulousness, pickiness, grumbling of the mother-in-law can deliver no less problems to the daughter-in-law.
- Living conditions can also make it difficult to build "weather in the house." Especially if the house is common for the new family and the husband's parents. In this case, the mother-in-law considers herself a full-fledged mistress of the territory, and entering a foreign monastery with her own rules in this case is a sure chance to create a conflict. Even if the living conditions exclude the intersection of the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law in the same living area, the cause of conflicts can be your attitude to housekeeping, money management, and the way to spend your free time.
- Excessive attachment of a mother to her son is another stumbling block on the path of peaceful coexistence of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. Most often, late or very desirable children fall into this category, as well as sons who were brought up without paternal involvement. In this case, the son makes up the meaning of life for his mother, which she does not want to lose.
- Overprotection on the part of the mother also does not in the best way affect the personal relationships of the son. Mom, accustomed to the fact that everything in his life is decided by her, it is hard to let her son go "into life", especially into family life. Therefore, even if he lives separately with his family, she still tries to keep the pulse on the hand of his new life as much as possible, controlling all areas and imposing her opinion on all issues.
Causes of conflicts on the part of the daughter-in-law:
- The expectation of full acceptance and love, which the daughter-in-law did not receive from her mother, is very rarely justified by the mother-in-law. That is, you should not expect motherly love from her, even if you consider yourself an ideal daughter-in-law in all respects. She already does a lot for you - she gives you the most valuable things. Own son.
- The desire for absolute recognition in relation to the place of the main woman in the life of the chosen one is also not the most advantageous position for harmonious relations with the mother-in-law. First, a husband a priori cannot belong to anyone. He is not a thing or a pet. Secondly, this is the right way to make an enemy in the person of the mother-in-law who gave birth to him and raised him. Especially if she does not hide her importance for her son. Thirdly, if a man is still given a choice (although they are trying in every possible way to avoid such a situation), it is not a fact that he will choose you. Especially if he has a really warm relationship with his mother, and your claims are due only to ambition.
- Limitation of personal space. Of course, the desire to protect your family as much as possible from the invasion of other people, even the closest ones, is fully justified. This is your cell, where your rules and your laws apply, where you make decisions and plan your time and actions. However, the realities of our life are such that our nature and society in every possible way prevent this. Therefore, it will not be possible to completely protect oneself from the mother-in-law, at least "without blood."
There can be many reasons for conflicts between a man's mother and wife, and not all of them are justified and real. But this is not a reason to enter into tough opposition. This tactic will only make the situation worse.
How to build a relationship with a mother-in-law
The main thing that every daughter-in-law needs to remember is that a constructive relationship with her mother-in-law is necessary. First of all - to my husband. Every man wants the two main women in his life to find a common language. Even if he doesn't talk about it. This does not mean that you have to completely obey his mom or constantly adjust to her, sacrificing your own interests. Find the optimal communication range for both of you.
Universal tips for building relationships with your mother-in-law:
- The principle of laissez-faire … Make it a rule not to interfere with your man's relationship with your family. Let him determine the boundaries and frequency of communication with the mother and other relatives.
- The principle of correcting your mistakes … Often, one of the significant reasons for conflicts with the mother-in-law, psychologists call the problems in communicating with her own mother at the daughter-in-law. Therefore, turn your attention to your relationship with your mom, analyze it and try to correct mistakes. Once you change your attitude towards your parents, it will be much easier to change it towards your mother-in-law.
- The principle of sincere gratitude … Learn to thank her. Even if it is very difficult. Even if you don't see why yet. Start by saying that she deserves thanks at least for such a wonderful son who won your heart. Moreover, if you look closely, the good can be found in any person, even in the most evil mother-in-law. And if it is very difficult for you to thank your mother-in-law by looking at her face, “exercise” - write on a piece of paper, speak to yourself or out loud when she is not around.
- The principle of attention and care … The surest way to build relationships with your mother-in-law is to melt her heart with sincere attention and care. Give her nice gifts, take an interest in her health, business. Ask for advice in an area in which she considers herself a pro.
- Role separation principle … It is very important to learn that you and your mother-in-law have a common man, but at the same time completely different niches in relations with him. She is the woman who gave birth to and raised him, you are the woman who will give birth and raise his children. Therefore, you are not competitors, and he has a place in his heart for both of you.
- Total Acceptance Principle … Learn to accept your man as a whole, with all his "dowry" - character, habits, relatives and generic scenarios. This part of it is often integral. Try to accept all of this, or just change your attitude towards what you cannot accept.
- The principle of diplomacy … When communicating with your mother-in-law, always remember such important nuances as her age and the fact that she is your man's mother. Therefore, she a priori deserves respectful treatment, and she will perceive her son's criticism painfully. So talk to her calmly and correctly, even if you do not like her behavior, express your claims in private - both with her and with your husband. Even if the mother-in-law is "turned on", try to avoid conflict. The most productive in this case will be to translate the conversation into a joke or into the philosophical plane of the problem. In the most critical case, just come up with some important thing to get away in the literal sense.
- Compensation principle … Try to find a "key" for your mother-in-law on the principle of neutralizing her fears, which prevent her from quietly letting go of her son. For example, if she is afraid of loneliness, make it a rule to periodically call her and come (or invite) to visit. If she doubts that you are a worthy passion for her son, do not hesitate to demonstrate your love for your husband. If she feels unnecessary, often ask her for advice, ask for help, including with respect to grandchildren.
How to improve relations with a mother-in-law - watch the video:
The ability to build productive relationships with the mother-in-law is one of the markers of the daughter-in-law's personal maturity. A woman who managed to find a common language with her man's mother is able to become not only a wonderful wife and mother, but also a good mother-in-law in the future. Therefore, it makes sense to try.
